Chapter Text
Regulus’ sixth year is going…well, it’s going. He’s already halfway through it, somehow, but his mind and body keep falling into this routine where they tell him it’s earlier in the school year when it is, in fact, almost Christmas.
Is he looking forward to Christmas? Yes, actually. Surprisingly. Normally, he’d be dreading it, feeling the heavy weight of its approach deep in his chest, knowing that he’d have to go home and face his parents after spending half a year being exactly what they don’t want. They often tell him that he’s starting to follow in his brothers’ footsteps. He never tells them that he takes that as a compliment.
Of course, he never tells Sirius that either. Merlin forbids his brother find out that he actually respects him. Loves him. Wants to be him, most of the time. But Regulus isn’t Sirius, he’s Regulus, and his way of disrespecting his parents is a little bit different. He isn’t loud, abrupt, impulsive, and defiant as Sirius was, and still is. No, Regulus goes for a more…thought out approach. Meaning that instead of standing on table tops and screaming that he’s proud to be a blood traitor, (yes, that is what Sirius did) he befriends people he shouldn’t, like Dorcas Meadowes. A half-blood with a sweet little family that Regulus’ parents look down on with utmost distaste. There are others too, half-bloods or muggle-borns, that he’ll befriend, let the word spread and make its way back to his parents. That’s how he defies them. Rather than doing the opposite of everything they say, he just doesn’t do the things asked of him.
It’s very bare minimum of him, but he’s not fussed. He’ll be 17 soon, and free of them.
As for the coming Christmas, he’s been asked by his parents to remain at Hogwarts, as they have business overseas. The way they had said it to him suggested that they thought staying at Hogwarts for Christmas would be unpleasant for Regulus, but he is rather looking forward to it. All his friends are staying for Christmas as well, besides Dorcas, seeing as she actually has a lovely family who she wants to see.
Speaking of Dorcas, she is currently sitting across from him at one of the tables in their common room, eyes blown wide, jaw dropped. In all fairness, Regulus has just told her some news that most would find rather shocking. He certainly did. That news; Regulus is an Animagus.
It’s a new development, really new. In fact, he only just managed to do his first transition yesterday. Since then, it’s been a lot of shifting and shifting back, over, and over in their dorm, while Barty and Evan gawk at him and cheer every shift, like they’re seeing it happen for the first time all over again. He managed to get a hold of Pandora at lunch today, and he told her then. It was rather funny; she couldn’t seem to figure out whether she wanted to scold him or congratulate him. Regulus thinks probably both. And it was both she did.
Dorcas, however, seems stumped. Speechless. Regulus waits patiently, allowing her to process the information. After all, when he first found out about his brother, he’d sat in silence for 20 minutes trying to figure out how the f*ck.
It was a strange day for him, looking back. It was right at the start of the school year, barely a few days in, when Sirius told him. They started working on rebuilding their relationship last year, after their mother had spent most of their childhood trying to pit them against each other. It has been a slow process, sure, but seeing as what they have now is reasonably civil, it’s been worth it.
I’m an Animagus, Sirius had said, a dog. Big, black one, pretty cool actually.
Sirius had shared with Regulus that himself, Potter and Pettigrew had all done it, but not Lupin. Sirius said it was because Lupin didn’t want to risk getting caught, but Regulus knew better than that, he knows better than that. Naturally, that forced him to do some reading. Honestly, Sirius should have taken the time to come up with a better lie, because it took Regulus all of five minutes to come to the conclusion that Remus Lupin is a werewolf. Why else would his friends all become animals, but not him? After all the stupid sh*t they do, this would just be adding to an already extensive list of risky and attention-seeking ideas. Plus, Lupin is sick all the f*cking time, and noticing he was in the hospital wing at the following full moon was more than enough clarification for Regulus.
He never told his brother about his discovery, he’s not sure why. It’s not as if Sirius can be mad at him, it’s not Regulus’ fault that Sirius is a sh*t liar. Another thing he has failed to mention; the moment he learnt it was possible to be an Animagus so young, he began striving to do the same. Staying up late reading, stealing ingredients from Slughorn’s private stores, keeping a stupid f*cking leaf in his mouth. That one in particular was brutal.
Something Regulus discovered last night; his Animagus is a cat. Funny thing is a part of him feels like that should bother him. While Regulus would hate nothing more than becoming like his mother and father, he does still pride himself on his ability to intimidate people. It’s helpful for someone like him, who isn’t a huge fan of socialising, especially with exhausting people. He likes to be powerful, in control, even feared at times. Maybe it’s the Slytherin in him.
But a cat? A thin, elegant, obsidian black cat? Cuddly, and sweet. It’s not an overly intimidating, or powerful animal. In fact, when Barty and Evan first saw him in his cat form, they just squatted next to him and started giving him little scratches behind his ears. It felt f*cking good, but Regulus will never tell them that. Actually, when they did it, he only let it happen for a few seconds before swinging one of his paws out to smack Barty’s stupid lanky hand. He would have hit Evan but…well, hitting Barty is more fun.
Dorcas is still sitting in front of him, she hasn’t moved much. Regulus considers opening his mouth to say something else, when Dorcas finally seems to snap back into reality, “What the f*ck?!”
Ah, Regulus thinks, fair enough.
“Look, it’s not a big deal, okay?” He tries, keeping his expression neutral, as if this isn’t the coolest thing he’s ever managed to do, “I turn into a stupid little cat.”
Their afternoon ends up consisting of Regulus, Barty, and Evan in their dorm, with Dorcas and Pandora, all sitting on the floor, as Regulus shifts back and forth. They all admire him from a distance, knowing that if they get too close he’ll swipe. Pandora is a minor exception, being his favourite, she can get away with a pat or two. But no more, or she’ll get swiped as well.
They all look half ecstatic, and half terrified. Hmm, maybe cats hold more power than Regulus thinks.
∞
The next morning, when Regulus is on his way to Charms, he spots two people across the courtyard, arms around each other, clearly way too comfortable with public displays of affection. James Potter and Lily Evans. Probably two of the strangest people Regulus has ever met, and he doesn’t even know them, not really.
He supposes he knows James a bit, seeing as he’s best friends with Sirius. Regulus’ first, second, and third year gave him time to build up resentment towards Potter, purely for – to put it simply – stealing his older brother. All Regulus heard from Sirius, at school or at home, was James told me this joke the other day it was so funny…or you’ll never believe what me and James did this morning. Suffice to say, Regulus grew sick of it. Though, when Regulus started his fourth year, he found himself resenting James for a different reason.
Somehow, over the summer holidays, James grew the f*ck up. His baby face was gone, replaced with a more mature, framed face. He had filled out, shoulders broad and arms…oh his arms. Regulus can’t even allow himself to think too hard about it, about seeing him just before getting on the train for fourth year, because the memory is almost painful. It was painful to look at James Potter, and it still is. He’s just too damn beautiful.
So yeah, Regulus can safely say he has a crush on his brothers’ best friend, and it’s for that reason, that he also hates him. Who gave James Potter the right to have this much of a hold over him? Some days he can handle it, because some days him and James won’t speak each other, besides in passing in the Great Hall or walking to classes. Some days James doesn’t see him, other days he shoots Regulus a grin, or a wink. Regulus is deeply ashamed to admit that he blushes every time. But some days, they talk. Their conversations are usually brief, and mostly occur through Sirius, they very rarely speak alone.
The only people aware of Regulus’ feelings, besides himself, are Dorcas, Pandora, Barty, and Evan. Mind you, that is not because Regulus told them. He spent the first 6 months of the crush in a shameful, hidden, secretive bliss. It wasn’t until he was caught (by Barty because Regulus has terrible luck) at breakfast practically drooling over James as he walked in after an early quidditch practice. Barty had blabbed instantly, like right then and there at the table. So now, all his close friends know.
Regulus doesn’t necessarily mind that they know. He did at first, but now that the embarrassment has had time to fade away, he’s actually just glad he has people he can vent to, if need be, not that he takes the opportunity often.
As Sirius and Regulus have grown closer, so have Regulus and James. It happened sort of naturally, seeing as normally where there’s Sirius, there’s James. That only got worse after Sirius was disowned, because now they live together. Regulus knows of James’ parents, through Sirius, and he wonders often how in Salazar’s name they can handle raising not one, but two idiots.
Seeing James and Lily together sparks something in Regulus, and the strange thing is, it’s not really jealousy. Or, it is, but not in the way that one may think. He’s jealous of Lily, sure, she gets to touch James and kiss him and be with him and do all the things that Regulus is ashamed to admit he wants. But, funnily enough, he’s also rather jealous of James, which is confusing. It’s not as if he fancies Evans, he doesn’t even know her. He’s heard things about her, through others, particularly James and Sirius, but he’s never spoken to her, aside from one or two polite hellos. Regulus doesn’t really think he could ever fancy someone without ever having spoken to them. No, his feelings towards Lily are different. Every time he looks at her, he feels he can’t tear his eyes away. Not only is she drop dead gorgeous, but she’s utterly fascinating. When she reads, she mouths the words and when she smiles, her eyes crinkle in the corners.
When she speaks, everyone listens.
Watching her and James together makes Regulus feel like he’s looking at something so bright that its going to damage his eyes. Sometimes, he thinks he’d like to be a cat all the time. It’s a lot easier to view the world that way, more black and white, but not devoid of colour. In his Animagus form, the only colours he can really see are blue and yellow. If he squints, the colours merge, and together they form a shade very similar to Lily Evans eyes.
Regulus understands that his obsession with Lily probably stems from a place of jealousy, seeing as he has annoyingly stubborn feelings for Potter. But the jealousy is different. It’s not like the jealousy he’s felt towards James for all these years after watching him make his older brother happier than Regulus ever could. Or the jealousy he feels when people at his large family gatherings tell him he’s ‘almost as beautiful as Sirius.’ It’s less jealousy, more longing. Regulus isn’t sure what that means, but he knows it can’t be good.
To make matters worse, James’ eyes flicker up from where he’s looking at his girlfriend, and he spots Regulus, who quickly looks away, mortified at the prospect of James catching him spying. James, of course, doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, his face lights up, and before Regulus manages to get away, James mutters something to Lily, gives her a quick kiss, and beelines over to him.
What? No, Regulus finds himself thinking, why is he coming over here? Just walk away Regulus, walk away. Why am I not walking away? Move, you idiot!
Regulus, of course, doesn’t move. He stands perfectly still in the middle of the courtyard as people move around him, just waiting patiently for the one and only James Potter to come and give him the time of day. Fun fact, Regulus is tragically pathetic.
“Regulus!” James beams as he approaches.
“What do you want, Potter?”
“Well, good morning to you too.”
“Eat sh*t. What do you want?”
James’ head falls forward as his shoulders shake a bit with laughter. When he looks back up, there’s a smile playing on his lips, “What do I want? A bit more of that Regulus Black charm is up there on my list, for sure.”
Regulus just glares back. If Potter doesn’t get to the point, Regulus will walk away, crush or not, he doesn’t want to be late to class and end up with a detention. James cannot hold that much power over him.
“Alright, alright,” James holds up his hands in surrender even though Regulus didn’t actually say anything, his glare must have said enough, “I came to ask you something.”
“Is this going to take long?” Regulus drawls out, trying his best to sound bored, “I do have a class to get to.”
“Oh! Which one? I’ll walk you there.”
Ok, that ones on me, I should have guessed he’d do that, Regulus tells himself. He rolls his eyes at James, then turns to start walking, the other boy begins trailing him, “I have charms. And I’ll ask one more time, what do you want?”
James manages to fall into step with Regulus, walking by his side through the double doors and through the castle halls. “Well, me and Sirius have finally got Remus and Pete to stay with us for Christmas. Plus Lily will be there! It’ll be a full house which is fun-”
“And I care why?”
They turn a corner and James almost crashes into a sweet little first year girl. She looks up at him, eyes wide, probably mortified by the fact that she almost bumped into the head boy. James merely mutters a sweet apology, checking if she’s okay. Regulus keeps walking, leaving the encounter behind.
He feels a puff of air at his side telling him that James has jogged to catch up to him, “You care, because you’re going to be there.”
This makes Regulus stop in his tracks, and James does the same, turning to face him with a sh*t-eating grin. It’s gorgeous. Smug bastard.
“No, I’m not.” Regulus says simply because he’s not. He’s going to be at Hogwarts for Christmas.
“Come on!” James encourages, nudging him a little, “Sirius wants you there.”
“Oh, well, in that case you’ve convinced me.”
“The sarcasm is getting cold, little Reggie,” James singsongs, and that’s enough for Regulus to push past him, and keep walking.
Regulus mumbles a quick, “If you value your tongue, you’ll refrain from calling me that ever again,” which only makes James giggle. What is wrong with this guy?
“Think about it, will you?” Regulus hears James call after him, but he decidedly ignores him, focusing solely on getting to class on time, after being delayed by his stupid brother’s stupid best friend.
When Regulus finally gets to charms, three minutes early, he sits down next to Barty, who looks at him with a mischievous grin.
“You’re blushing, run into Potter did you?”
“I hate you.”
Regulus doesn’t pay attention to the class; he may as well have not been there. His mind is racing, trying to figure out way to get to hear James talk, or be near him, without having to actually let James see him. It’s moments like these that he wishes he had something like an invisibility cloak, though he supposes that would be creepy. So, maybe not invisibility. He doesn’t need to be invisible; he just needs a disguise. He needs to be unrecognisable, like-
Oh, Regulus thinks, I’m a genius.
